I enjoyed these and thought you
might too. I love stand-up comedians - they usually provide a kick
in the funny bone and food for thought, however skewed.
AND THEY SAID WHAT????????
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was,
'You'll never find anyone like me again' I'm thinking, 'I should hope
not? If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'" ?????
"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?"
?????? --Marilyn Pittman
"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in
the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?" ?????? --Robin
"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new
boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad." ??????
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave
you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance
pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
?????? --Bob Ettinger
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always
say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my
mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her." * Ellen DeGeneres
"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.
'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied
in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now
I'll have to kill you too." ????????? --Jake Johansen
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
??????? --Dick Cavett
* "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
least they can find Kuwait." ?????? --A. Whitney Brown
"My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in
the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying
to teach you how to swim." ?????? --Paula Poundstone
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly
in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic?
Do tall people burn slower?" ?????? --Warren Hutcherson
"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans
were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting
yourself in the head to stop your headache." ?????? --Jack Mayberry
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet
soup?" ?????? --John Mendoza
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
Duh." ?????? --Conan O'Brien
"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and
they would only play with each other." ?????? --Rita Rudner
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span
and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought
a congressman." ?????? --Bruce Baum
"It had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to
use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That
may be.? But I think there's one other thing that separates us from
animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." ?????? --Jeff Stilson
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think
that's how dogs spend their lives." ?????? --Sue Murphy
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans
is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three
best friends. If they are okay, then it's you." ?????? --Rita Mae
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something
else." ?????? --Lily Tomlin
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the
same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?" ??????
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent
image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all
over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should
get rid of the body before you do the wash." ????? --Jerry Seinfeld
"USA Today has come out with a new survey:? Apparently three out of
four people make up 75 percent of the population." ????? --David Letterman
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah
an apology." ?????? --Jay Leno
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
?????? --Lily Tomlin
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through
my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow
learner." ?????? --Lynda Montgomery
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators
would be dead." ?????? --Johnny Carson
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when
God talks to us we're schizophrenic?" ?????? --Lily Tomlin
Dog with No Name
Here's a fun limerick by my friend Jay who took away my fear of
Down a lane that has no name
Walked a man who had no fame
He had a dog
And he had a frog
At least the frog was tame